I went back to the magical place, the school of psychic science, to deepen my knowledge of spiritualism and mediumship. The two weeks I spent there were polar opposite from one another. The first week was intense, the air was thick with energy... you could almost feel a buzz around you. That week was full of the creme da la creme of working mediums and tutors alike. I couldn't help but think I picked the wrong time to be there! Daily, I heard boasting of how many accomplishments and deeds of the many experienced working mediums.... I could feel myself shrink almost climbing within myself.
Trying to shut my self-talk up of "not being good enough etc., etc..". The days went on and the energy softened as the chips were knocked off a few shoulders and groups started to gel. I truly loved my group, we really wanted each other to succeed and if one of us did well, we all did. It was getting close to the end of the week and I thought I was off the hook going in front of another group to get critiqued by a top medium on my performance. It was a Friday and I was asked to do a spirit portrait in front of another group. I paused, thoughts in rapid fire popped in... like "Crap, in front of that group... that's the one they are all talking about!" and "OMG that tutor will crush me, as rumored he had crushed others earlier in the week!" He seemed nice as our first meeting went without a hitch. It was more if I could connect to spirit in front of him or if I would crumble by getting in my own way (If I were to choose a tarot card to be him it would be the Justice card: Fairness, truth, cause and effect, law, decisions based on facts, not emotions). I thought to myself "Dawn, you have to.... this is what you are working hard to do... if you say no, you will not get another chance." With sweaty palms, I said, "Yes, if it works fantastic... and if it doesn't that's ok too?" My tutor softly smiled and said, "We will all be there to support you".
Time seemed to speed up as we all walked towards the double wooden doors... to start the demonstration. Voices of encouragement and luck as the knob was turning to enter the room. Walking into the room, the many faces turned to meet ours... I sat down quietly off to the side by my tutor with a few art supplies. My tutor was called up front to stand next to the other tutor. He called me up, standing on his right and his pupil who I am dear friends with on his left. I had no worries about her performance as I know she is a very gifted medium, we just had never double linked prior to this (That is when two mediums link or communicate to the same spirit at the same time).
I asked if I could speak first to everyone in the room. He graciously said "Yes". I thanked everyone for this opportunity I felt the warmth and support of the room (As I spoke I was searching for my spirit link. I felt two! Yes! I asked them to stay with me and not to show or tell me anything yet please). The tutor then started to tell everyone what we would be doing... I didn't hear much of what he was saying... I was pleading to spirit if this is what I am supposed to do Let's do it! If I am not that's ok too... but please don't leave me hanging... I trust you, if there's a time to shine ...please... shine! I looked at my friend and smiled, she smiled back... I looked at the tutor and said: "Can I tell her something?" With his serious straight face, he said "No." I turned to the easel and took off my white sweater (not to get it dirty) ... grabbed the charcoal and asked the spirit to please guide my hand.
In a matter of seconds, I heard nothing from the outside of me (that tends to happen when I do this) not saying any information that was to come... I was asked just to draw... I finished drawing the man that was with me... next, I had to draw a woman ... I felt desperate to get her done as I whipped out the drawing... knowing she is a mother I turned to hear someone say "That's my mom!" My tutor jumped up to hug and kiss me... saying "I'm so proud of you." I rushed to sit back down feeling overwhelmed. The room broke into a chatter, clamoring to look at the photo on his phone to compare it to the drawing... The serious face of the tutor melted into a smiled towards me and he said: "Would you demonstrate for us tomorrow night?" I glanced behind me hoping to see someone other than an empty chair and replied "Ummm, me? Ummm ya, ok, yes." He laughed a bit (as did others) at my somewhat dorky response... ("Hey I am who I am" As Popeye would say) I almost got away with dropping the mic that night... but I had to get through the next night bummm.. ba... bummmmm... (Later, after class the tutor hugged me saying "you are wonderful", I responded "let's not get crazy" my default reaction to a compliment... note to self: say "Thank you!" Hopefully, he didn't hear me) It is hard not wanting to disappoint the ones you look up to, even though they may not know me well... I admire their craft, knowledge, and work ethic…I aspire to hold the same values.
At bedtime, I had a chat with spirit, another heart to heart and honestly I said "I would love this week to end on a high note... I so appreciate the awesome opportunity but my brain is getting close to mush with all the work this week... maybe can we have a little break tomorrow night? I will leave it in your hands, I will do whatever you want." Guess what... The next day I was told there wasn't enough time for the demonstration that night as it would cut into a planned lecture! "Thanks, spirit! You all ROCK XOXO!!" Doing a little happy dance of relief, that week ended as fast as it began.
Fast forward the next week focused on spirit art, very relaxed, the energy was soft and easy going, to say the least. In my class, I noticed a familiar face... (I knew him from my last visits telling a few of us some history and stories about the building) I asked if I could work with him for the first exercise. He had devoted his time at the college for over 25 years this happened to be the first class he has ever taken there. As the week went on he would be in and out of class... (I am sure he had lots to do at the college) The one day during tea break I stayed behind to draw circles with my non-dominant hand, a face started to form on the paper... As I traced the face with my dominant hand spirit told me who he came to say hello to and told me a little about himself, hobbies etc... I jotted them all down in little pictures around the face and put it away.
Another day passed and I didn't see the collage’s faithful worker in our class... It was lunch and I caught him sipping a cup of tea... I walked over and told him "I believe I have a drawing for you of a relative that you are very much like." He seemed a little surprised and happy. I retrieved the drawing from the classroom to show him, explaining what the little drawings around the man were... there was not much of a reaction but he understood all but one... He said, "I don't give compliments" (I truthfully wasn't looking for one, I was happy he recognized and understood the drawing...that's all I really wanted). He asked me what my highlight was the week before and I told him the short version of the demonstration story... He then calmly said, "This is my Highlight." I was gobsmacked... My mind had shifted completely...
I reflected on being in front of everyone and begging spirit to be with me... feeling so good at that moment that it all worked out, feeling validated... to the next of beating myself up for the drawing not being perfect and a bit cartoonish of his mother... to, just being of service quietly alone and delivering a hello to a hardworking man that was truly touched with no one to witness...
It's not about failing or succeeding, it’s not about me at all. It's about spirit and how love waits for love.